Even though inverted sugar is more of an ingredient than a stand alone dish I think it's special enough to deserve its very own page. I mean, sure you can substitute it with honey or high fructose corn syrup, but bee puke is expensive and sticky corn juice has an all around bad reputation. No sir, I prefer my diabetes homemade! Nothing but granulated sugar, a pinch of cream of tar-tar, and f*** all to do for the next few hours except to sit in front of a pot watching water boil—that's the life for me, baby!

Now, I know you're raring to get into it so let's go over some pointers. First, as much as I love whispering dissent and cultivating lies, don't stir this pot. Stirring—or as we like to say in the professional community, "agitation"—encourages the formation of crystals and crystalization is exactly the opposite of what we're trying to accomplish. But, hey, if you want a pot of solid, burnt sugar then, by all means, have at it!

Secondly, find a temperature setting that works for you. I use an induction burner because my tiny stovetop is shunted into the corner of the room like a Blair Witch child and also I can set a desired temperature. Keeping your syrup constantly between 215°F and 235°F is key so pay attention to which number on the dial produces a consistant temp. I set my induction burner to 200°F. The actual temp of the syrup tops off at around 220°F which allows me to let it cook and cook without constantly monitoring it.

Third, washing down the sides of your pot prevents crystals from forming on the walls and can help to lower the temperature if it goes too high. Hell, I'll straight up pour a little bit of water in there if I need to drop the temp quickly.

Lastly, color is dependant on the amount of time you let it cook. It'll go from clear, to yellow, to a "I haven't drank any water in the last fifteen hours" amber. I like to go the long stretch simply because I think it almost guarantees that all of the hydrolysis has taken place and gives it a subtle caramel flavor.

After that you're basically done. Let it cool completely and store it in an airtight container. That's it. Eventually it will start to crystalize (if you did a good job it'll take a while), but all you have to do is bring it back up to a boil. No big deal. All pau. Why are you still reading I have nothing more to give you, punk. Stop it. Oh God if you keep reading will this thought never end? If you're reading this in my voice what happens when you stop? Does my little voice present in your head just die?? Oh lord no! I don't want to die! Please help! I don't wanna die! I don't—